


I Don't Mind You Under My Skin

by throwupsparkles



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nostalgia, Post-MCR, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26402008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throwupsparkles/pseuds/throwupsparkles
Summary: Gerard feels his chest cave in and he wraps his arms around himself to keep from sinking into his heart like the black hole it feels like. Frank does this, always warps Gerard into this chaotic thing, makes him move and expand. Breathe in and when he exhales, he destroys everything in his wake and he never knows what to do with the fallout.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 17
Kudos: 61





	I Don't Mind You Under My Skin

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on a couple ideas and they aren't working out so I opened up a blank page and just wrote without a plan and this happened. Of course it's angsty. Of course it's post breakup MCR.

It wasn’t like how it works in the movies. 

Whatever those movies were. It didn’t happen all at once, there wasn’t some spark that suddenly ignited them both. No light bulb moment or some gravitational pull in their hearts. 

Their souls just started to melt together or something. That’s how Gerard likes to think about it. That they spent so much time together, their hearts and minds had become lovers before their bodies even did. Gerard knew Frank’s heart almost more than he knew his own. Especially in moments where, well, Gerard doesn’t like to think of those so he tries not to. 

Instead he just quiets his mind, and he can hear Frank’s heartbeat if he’s still enough as if he was laying on Frank’s chest. Like he used to do on those long rides to far away cities he never thought he’d get to see. And he always quirks a smile because Frank always knew he’d see the world. Always knew that he would get out of Jersey and play across stages that would bring him to the edges of the Earth. He just never thought he’d get lucky enough to do that with his best friends. 

_ You going to stay in bed all day? _ Frank asks.

Gerard huffs a little and presses his face into his pillows. It’s easy for Frank to say, well that’s not totally fair, but Gerard feels a little childish right now so he’s going to allow the attitude. Sometimes it makes him feel better after. 

Frank’s lax about the attitude, will fuel it even because he gets it. What he doesn’t tolerate are the days where Gerard burrows under the blankets and refuses to get out of bed. On those days, Frank will call Mikey and he’ll make some offhand comment about how he wonders what Gerard is up to. Which is stupid since Gerard told Mikey what’s been going on between him and Frank years ago. Frank’s stubbornness hasn’t lessened with age. 

_ How’s the band? _ Gerard fires back.

He doesn’t mean for it to come across as bitter as it does, but he feels the jealousy bubble in his stomach like it’s going to erupt any day now. He did this. He decided to stop the band. And it was only natural that Frank went off and found his own thing. But it had hurt still anyway. Maybe because it was that Frank didn’t just join another band, he made his own. He wrote all those songs himself. Sang them up on stage himself. Played and recorded it alone and without his help. And that’s what stung. That Frank didn’t need him anymore. And not even need, didn’t want.

_ Not true, baby _ . Frank whispers. 

Gerard presses the balls of his hands into his eyes and sits up. Maybe if he gets out of bed, Frank will leave him alone and he bites his lip hard when he hears the soft chuckle in the back of his mind. 

_ What are you going to do today? _ Frank asks, like he usually does when Gerard gets moody like this. And a lot of the time it helps. Getting Gerard to make a plan, to say it out loud, or in his mind--but it’s the same as saying it outloud because Frank will hear. And he’ll be accountable for it. 

Still, sometimes it feels good to use his voice. “Make coffee, then check my emails.”

_ Good. Then what? _

Gerard rubs his face and swings his legs off the bed and makes his way to the closet. He shrugs on the hoodie he’s been living in recently and slides his feet into some slippers before taking it slow down the stairs. Getting old fucking sucks and his knees always creak first thing in the morning. 

_ Mine do that too when it’s about to rain. _

“I know,” Gerard says fondly, turning on lights as he works his way to the kitchen. He knows it’s bad for the environment. But it's cloudy today and he knows if he lets his house bathe in the darkness, he’ll just crawl back into bed. When he gets to the kitchen, he fiddles with the ridiculously overpriced espresso machine that Mikey bought him for his birthday last year. “I have to get groceries,” Gerard says, continuing his list with Frank. 

_ Oh. Don’t forget to get dish soap this time. _

“Right,” Gerard says softly, nodding as if it’ll ingrain it in his mind. “And then I think I’ll spend the rest of the afternoon working on Umbrella stuff.”

_ Sounds good _ . Frank sounds soft, like he’s been reading and got caught up in another world for a bit. Gerard smiles as his espresso works it’s way into his tiny coffee mug, because he misses the way Frank used to look when he interrupted him from reading. How his eyes were so glassy and far away, almost like he had just woken up from a dream and Gerard always wanted to tuck him right back in. 

Frank laughs quietly.  _ I’ve been reading historical fiction again. _

Gerard hums and brings his espresso up to his lips to blow on it. “You always get so sad when you read historical fiction. Which war?”

_ Second. _

That makes him think of “The Ghost of You” and he can feel Frank grinning and knows he’s thinking about it too. He sits down and lets himself get washed over with Frank’s memories. Him in the dressing room getting his hair combed down and frowning a little at it, wanting to reach up and mess it all up. How it felt to wear the costume, how Frank stood a little straighter and he’s not exactly sure why. It wasn’t a character thing, but he felt like this was important. This was something to respect and Frank could get behind that. 

And Gerard sets his mug down when he sees Mikey through Frank’s memories. It’s hard watching that video. Gerard hadn’t watched it all the way through after the first time they saw it. It was only fake, he knew of course, but there was something really fucked up about seeing his baby brother bleeding out on the screen. Even worse if he lets his own memories fill his ears and he can hear Mikey’s screams. 

He’s glad they muted that for the music video. 

_ Hey. _

“Sorry,” Gerard whispers, taking a sip. 

_ Fuck, that’s strong. _

Gerard laughs now, because he used to only drink sugar with a little bit of coffee added into it. And the guys teased him relentlessly. Except Mikey, but that was only because he liked those Frappuccino things and that was mostly whipped cream instead of coffee. 

“What are you doing today?” Gerard asks, sitting at his breakfast table and looking at the garden through his windows. He should try meditating again. It’s always so hard for him to stay still though, to make his mind stay still. Even more so when he has another person he shares it with. 

_ Not my fault. I can be quiet. _

“Sure,” Gerard snorts. 

_ Whatever.  _ Frank says.  _ I’m going over some tour stuff later. _

Gerard feels the bubbles raising up, but he holds his breath to smother them then exhales and asks, “Coming here?”

_ Of course. Will you actually come this time? _

Gerard closes his eyes and sets his mug down on the table. “I don’t mean to--”

_ I know, Gee. It’s ok. _

“It’s not,” Gerard sighs, because it doesn’t matter if he says it out loud or not, Frank will hear it regardless. “I just--”

_ I know. _ And he says it sharper, like it’s hurting him to say it and Gerard feels the waves of anger that doesn’t belong to him wash over him. Feels his hands shake with it and almost gags on the bitter taste of regret. He doesn’t understand that one though. Why Frank regrets anything. He never did anything wrong. He did what he had to do. 

_ Please stop. _

It’s the problem with them. They can never have a quiet moment, can never have anything nice before it crinkles around the edges then soils under too many harsh storms and apathetic footsteps squashing their dreams. 

“I love you,” Gerard breathes, then says it again, louder and firmer. Just in case Frank forgets, because Frank can see into his heart but he still acts like Gerard didn’t choose him. 

_ Not when it counted _ . 

Gerard takes another drink of his coffee, to wash down the sour taste of despair sliding down his throat. 

*

He’s a few hours deep into writing when his phone rings. 

He ignores it, willing himself to remember to call whoever it was back, but then it starts ringing again. He picks it up knowing it’s Mikey then and says, “Yeah?”

“You forgot,” Mikey says, not a question but it holds a simmer of hope as if maybe Gerard hadn’t. 

_ Dinner with Kristin. _ Frank chuckles, and Gerard feels him shaking his head before sliding over some paperwork across the table he’s sitting at with some label people. Gerard doesn’t miss those kinds of meetings. 

“Shit,” Gerard mutters looking at the time on his computer and bites his lip a little when he realizes what time it is. 

_ Why didn’t you tell me? _ Gerard scolds. 

_ In a meeting _ . Frank reminds him, sounding a little amused. 

_ Who takes a meeting at eight at night? _

_ People who are very busy. _

Gerard holds his tongue and tries not to think negatively, makes himself think of finding his keys and wallet and 

_ Babe. _

“I’m on my way now,” Gerard tells Mikey, “Do you--”

“Just yourself,” Mikey cuts him off, and there’s a hint of a smile. Like he had thought Gerard would have suggested they reschedule. He must really have been sucking as a brother if Mikey is willing to wait around for dinner when Gerard is running late. For making Kristin sit around and wait and fuck, yeah he needs to get moving. 

He doesn’t even change out of his slippers before he gets in his car, groaning at the fact that he has to stop for gas because he never feels like getting it on the way home from errands and the last thing he had wanted to do when he left the grocery store was stand around people some more. People in LA have stopped giving a fuck about him awhile ago, but it still makes him a bit anxious. Something he never really shakes and he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop feeling eyes on him. 

_ Should have stayed in Jersey. _

“That’s worse,” Gerard says, pulling out of his driveway, “At least in LA there’s more famous people than me to get distracted by.”

_ You’re just a West Coast snob now. _

Gerard laughs and turns down the stereo he had up on the drive home. Sometimes music is too much to hear which sort of shakes him up. It’s really a reminder that time has passed and he smiles to himself because he almost sounds like his parents. But there’s something deeper there too. Something in his head that turns on when he hears music and it always leads him down a rabbit hole of “shoulds” and “coulds” and “woulds”. 

He listens to Frank talk about the cities that he’ll be moving through and logistics with his team. It’s the same song and dance they’ve done with My Chem only now it’s just Frank and the venues are smaller, which is something Gerard is a little envious of. He got to do that a bit with Hesitant Alien and all, but it just didn’t feel the same without his guys. It felt cold without Ray’s warm smile, like he was floating off stage without Mikey to tether him, and Frank. Fuck, there were some nights he didn’t want to walk on stage because he couldn’t bare to look to his right and not see Frankie standing there. 

_ You’re really in knots today. _

There’s something about today that is stirring thoughts he usually keeps tucked away but he doesn’t know what it is. It’s not March and it’s not any anniversaries for any of the albums. The kids online haven’t started anything and everything has been pretty quiet. Sometimes he just gets in these moods, they sneak up on him and envelope him in nostalgia and regret. A combination that brings him to his computer and onto flight options more often than not. 

Frank’s always quiet then. Won’t give him an answer one way or the other, and it drives Gerard insane because how are they ever supposed to work if he can’t figure out what Frank wants when they’re literally in each other’s minds and hearts all the time? How were they ever supposed to work when all they do is hurt each other?

He hears Frank stop the meeting abruptly and feels the cool air of him walking outside. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Frank asks out loud, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. 

Gerard pulls over and turns off the car, pressing his forehead to the steering wheel. “I think I miss you.”

Frank exhales harshly. “You’re the one who--”

“I know.”

“So stop,” Frank says taking a drag and Gerard closes his eyes at the taste of nicotine on his tongue. He’s been trying to quit. Frank’s quiet for a moment then whispers, “Or come here.”

Gerard feels his chest cave in and he wraps his arms around himself to keep from sinking into his heart like the black hole it feels like. Frank does this, always warps Gerard into this chaotic thing, makes him move and expand. Breathe in and when he exhales, he destroys everything in his wake and he never knows what to do with the fallout. 

“Frankie--”

“Don’t,” Frank breathes, then takes another drag before kicking at some rocks on the pavement. “If you want to talk about it, you have to do it to my face. No more of this mind game shit. It’s cheating and you know it.”

Gerard feels his eyes grow hot and he mumbles, “I know, baby.” 

“I love you,” Frank says gently, trying to smooth over the hurt, and it helps. But it’s like putting a bandaid over something that’s going to need stitches. Words just smoothe over the hurt, but he needs them to pull him back together. Needs Frank’s hands and mouth to help him heal back into the person he’s supposed to be. 

Gerard takes a deep breath and holds it, the way his therapist tells him to do and he waits for Frank to whisper for him to exhale before he does and sits up. 

“Get to your brother,” Frank tells him, “Give him a hug for me.”

Gerard wipes at his eyes and nods.

*

Mikey has a tight smile when he opens the door, but then he sees whatever it is that the Way boys always are able to see in each other and sighs, “Jesus, come here,” before pulling him into a hug. 

Gerard hugs him back and when Mikey goes to move away, Gerard hugs him tighter. “That’s from Frank.”

Mikey chuckles quietly and pats his shoulder and whispers, “Hi, Frank.”

_ Dork. _ Frank says, and Gerard snorts when he sees him pulling up to the same burrito place he’s been going to all week. 

Kristin is understanding as usual and it honestly just makes him feel worse. She doesn’t even say anything about the fact that he’s still in his pajamas and slippers. She had cooked, actually cooked and he sits there awkwardly as she shuffles dishes into the oven to warm them back up while Mikey gets him a soda. He can’t sit still though so he gets up and walks around the house and ignores Frank’s laughter at all the new crystals that have been added to various surfaces of Mikey’s house. 

Gerard is just happy that Mikey found something to believe in again. Even if it’s rocks that sparkle on his bookcase. After listening to Grant, it’s not the strangest thing to believe in and Gerard’s always been one of those people who could be won over by a good argument. He just likes intelligence, craves it and will swallow whatever it feeds him. It’s probably why he can listen to Grant talk for hours about magic. 

_ Grant. _ Frank’s voice sounds sour. 

_ Don’t be jealous _ . Gerard scolds playfully. 

He sees Mikey’s year sobriety chip sitting on the bookshelf that holds a picture of the two of them together. It’s not a special photo or anything, just some polaroid that he’s pretty sure Frank took somewhere over in Japan. Mikey is actually smiling at the camera to the point that his eyes crinkle and it looks like he’s dreaming something from his childhood. And that’s probably why Mikey has it up. To remind him that he’s capable of finding joy. That Gerard will be there for those days, and the bad ones too. 

He’s glad he has help for the bad ones though. He’s not sure how he would have made it that day he had to take Mikey to rehab. He thought he was going to throw up on the plane but Frank read to him the whole way, only pausing to whisper to him to breathe. And he kept reminding him that he was doing the right thing as Gerard went to baggage claim and met up with the rest of Mikey’s friends so that they could tell him that he wasn’t going to be recording an album just yet. 

“Hey,” Mikey says now, “Foods ready.”

Gerard lingers at the photo, then turns and sees a ghost of that same smile pulling at his lips. Not quite there yet, but it will be and it makes Gerard take a step in the direction to follow his brother. 

It’s hard sometimes to focus on what’s in front of him when he has Frank on the other line. It didn’t used to be this strong, but he thinks it has something to do with the fact that they haven’t seen each other in person in over two years. 

_ Not since Bamboozle _ . 

“Stop,” Gerard breathes, and then startles when he sees Mikey quirk an eyebrow up at him. Gerard blushes and looks down at the brussel sprout salad he’s been pretending to eat. 

_ Smooth. _

_ Whatever. _ Gerard snips back.

Kristin recovers her story well and continues with something about dance class when she was a kid and Gerard thinks she’s a nice girl and all, it’s just hard for him to meet new people these days. He already accepts her into his family and all that, anything for Mikey, but he doesn’t know her and he knows that’s why Mikey wants him over for these dinners. He’s trying, but he can’t help slipping into where Frank is unloading his dishwasher and humming along to a melody he’s been fiddling with lately. 

It used to only be this strong when they were really emotional. He’s not sure why it happens this way, but when they were living on top of each other they weren’t in each other’s heads so much. He wonders if they work like magnets, if they just need to connect and if they can’t physically be together, their souls will do the work without the flesh. 

Sometimes they could do it if they focused and it was a fun game on the bus. To lounge around and slip into each other’s mind and whisper things like, “Ray’s sexting Christa again” or “Mikey’s the one who keeps using your deodorant.” Other times it was on stage when Gerard would shove his hand down his pants and he couldn’t even hear the crowd because Frank was whispering how he was going to bend him over the amp and fuck him right in front of everyone if he doesn’t stop touching what’s his. 

But mostly they just whispered their secrets to each other out loud between secret kisses. In between tour busses during Warped or in a storage closet at a venue. Up against brick buildings on the East Coast where Gerard could lick the Atlantic Ocean off Frank’s lips and in diner bathrooms of the south where their clothes stuck with sweat and clung to their frenzied fingertips. 

Sex was never the same once Gerard had sex with Frank. They had been feeling each other in their heads, talked at the same time then giggled like it was a joke but their hearts were hammering. They brushed their fingertips together and Gerard sucked on Frank’s then shivered when he felt the saliva on his own dry fingers. They didn’t know how it worked back then, that emotions and distance strengthened it. Maybe he would have known the signs then, wouldn’t been able to talk himself into believing he hadn’t fallen in love with Frank the moment he heard him play in the band. The moment he felt the missing piece slide into place and then afterwards how Frank knew all the right punchlines to the jokes that Gerard had engraved into his heart. He knew all his secrets already and Gerard didn’t need to utter a single explanation to him to feel seen. Frank just looked at him and understood. 

They danced around it for a long time, letting the bond wind tighter and tighter until they snapped somewhere in the midwest on a cheap motel bed that squeaked everytime they moved. Gerard had thought it would be intense, and it was. Gerard could feel everything he was doing to Frank the same way he felt what Frank was doing to him and their lips fused like their hearts. He couldn’t tell where he ended and Frank began, couldn’t tell what hand was his, how he tasted without Frank lingering on his tongue. But it was effortless at the same time and full of silly laughter and accidental elbows against rib cages. They fumbled with the condom because Frank had too much lube on his hand already and Gerard was not much better and refused to stop jacking Frank enough to properly help. 

But when Frank finally, finally slid into Gerard he couldn’t breathe. But he didn’t need his lungs because he had Frank’s. 

_ Jesus Christ, babe. _

Gerard blushes and blinks at the cold chicken that’s still sitting untouched next to his salad. He looks up and sees Mikey nibbling on his lip and Kristin sipping at her tea like she’s doesn’t know what else she’s supposed to be doing. 

“Sorry,” Gerard says to everyone, “it’s been an odd day.”

“I’m going to clean up,” Kristin says, picking up her and Mikey’s plate and slipping into the kitchen. 

Gerard frowns at the dining room table and winces when Mikey sets his fork down. “Sorry.”

“I get it,” Mikey says, “She doesn’t though.”

Gerard looks up. “You can tell her if you want.”

Mikey quirks an eyebrow.

“What?” Gerard scoffs, “You have crystals on every surface of your living room.”

“Bit different to soul bonding or whatever it is you and Frank do.”

“You make it sound like we have a choice,” Gerard says, sitting back in his chair. 

Mikey doesn’t say anything for a moment, just thumbs at a hangnail on his finger. He takes a deep breath then says, “I know you hang on more than you need to.”

Gerard clicks his tongue to the roof of his mouth, irritated. “What do you mean?”

Mikey leans forward on his elbows. “I just don’t get it I guess. Why you still...if you didn’t want to be together, then why do you still interact over this bond? Don’t you think it would fade if you two ignored it?”

_ I don’t want to _ . Frank says firmly. 

“He’s…” Gerard starts then pats his jeans down for a cigarette. Mikey raises his eyebrow and shakes his head. “Fine, fuck. I just, he, Mikey, I still love him. I’m always…”

Mikey’s jaw sets, the way he’s done since he was a teenager when he got frustrated. “Then do something about it. Living in this in between is stupid. I don’t get why you don’t just…”

“Because--”

“He got a divorce,” Mikey cuts him off. “For you if I’m not mistaken.”

Gerard rolls his eyes and grits his teeth because Frank is being obniouxiously quiet. “He did not. They weren’t working out. They were always just friends.”

“The way you and Lyn-Z were?” Mikey challenges. 

Gerard gets up from the table, but Mikey follows and they walk outside. Gerard stares at Mikey’s fucking rose bushes because he’s a guy to actually have flowers in his backyard now, and lights a cigarette.

“Too much has happened, Mikes,” Gerard says, taking a drag, “The girls aren’t even scratching the surface of the shit we’d have to unpack to even think about making things work.”

_ I told you I’m willing to do that with you. _

“I’m not!” Gerard bites out, exhaling smoke and taking another drag as soon as the smoke leaves his lungs. “I’m not ready to go back and look at those ugly parts of our lives. I’m not ready to talk about Bert or Japan. I don’t want to tell him what I saw at the Paramour and I don’t want to walk through Kat or Eliza. I don’t want to tell him how--how, it was hard to fucking breathe to have anyone’s ring on my finger and how I’m terrified that I’ll feel the same if he wants that.”

_ Oh.  _ Frank breathes, then,  _ Babe. Gerard, get your ass to Jersey right now. _

“Not yet,” Gerard bites out and Mikey puts a hand on his shoulder. 

He feels Frank tense then go slack, like he’s given up. 

And somehow that hurts more. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [tumblr](https://throwupsparkles.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/throwupsparkle).


End file.
